Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Wed:

Well.........
Morning people.

Okay... Mr. Influential Muslim guy turned out to be *gasp* Married.
The good ones are always taken.
Whatever.
I am DONE looking! Seriously! I am finished. If one finds me, great. If not, whatever. I am 27 and not getting younger. I have a child, and the chance of someone wanting me at my age, my size, my living situation, with a kid, and with no money as I have is looooooow. I have no chance! That's it! So all I can do now is study my ass off and DO SOMETHING WITH MY WASTED LIFE-before it's too late! :(


I lost a pound.
I hope it is another two lbs gone by next week.


Eating Plan:

Breakfast:
2 slices light bread Toast, 1/2 cup egg sub, 1 tablespoon ketchup 170 cals

Lunch:
1 serving shrimp, 2 cups veggies, 1 tablespoon oyster sauce, 2 bouillon cubes (soup)
200 cals

I AM STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
I am having hunger issues. So I heated up a Smart Ones Ravioli thingy that has 250 cals.
I can't feel bad. Why should I? I also had a salad.
So I added an extra 330 cals. But since I am having hunger issues, I think it is okay. I am hungry-honestly hungry. Instead of binging and consuming over 3000+ cals like I normally would, the extra 330 cals will help me stay sane. Here is to not freaking out.

Snack: protein powder shake, 1 slice light bread toast 180

Dinner: 1/4 acorn squash with 1 cup egg plant-boiled and stirfried with 1/4 onion and garlic, and a few spices, 1 serving tofu, 1/2 cup quinoa, ketchup 374
so much for eating only 800 cals.

The total is 1254 cals. 1200 cals is the minimum set by nutritionists to avoid lowering my metabolism.
Still not so bad I guess. I planned to eat alot more since yesterday I ate close to 1900 cals.

Anyhow...
I woke up really hungry. When I eat 600-800 cals for a few days in a row, the hunger goes down. I guess eating more food boosts my metabolism, while eating less will slow it. Duh. But I will still lose nonetheless.

Excerise: I am settling into my new routine. 30 minutes on the new treadmill at the gym with varying intesity, and 10 mintues on the regular treadmill at 3.0-3.5 mph. I did not do weights last night. I did an extra half hour on the treadmill. Tonight will be weights. I will put in more effort.

I hope I do not gain weight from eating so much yesterday-although it was nice to be full all day.

So that is it for now.
See you later folks.

Here is a fucking hilarious video. I am obviously NOT anorexic... but it makes me laugh. It's an oldie but a goodie. Pure Euro Trash Wannarexia Propoganda.

I love Kitty on The Catwalk.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Salaam Pplz....
Whattup?
lol
I am eating more calories today because the last two days I have been eating under 1200. I am also trying to eat more protein today-since I have been low on that the last 2 days. It is said if you eat under 1200 cals your metabolism can slow down. I will be eating around 1600-1700 cals today, and then 600-800 cals tommorrow.
I have also heard that if you eat more calories one day, and then less the next day, it may help raise your metabolism.
Lifting weights to build lean muscle mass, eating low glycemic foods, more protein, healthy fats, ect can also help boost your metabolism.

So... before I kick to my eating plan, I am gonna write about what happend last night.
Nothing special happend. I just went to the Masjid, and stayed in to listen on a beginning Arabic class-after Isha prayer. I have to learn the Arabic alphabet before I can start the class. Once I know how to write the letters, I will think of joining in December. It's $170 a semester.
The biggest part is that there was an intresting brother in the class. His name is Fahid. He seems to be in his late 30's or 40's. I saw him a little bit. He was kind of cute. And he offered to tutor people to learn the Arabic alphabet.
I wonder in the coming months if anything will happen? Is he married? He seems to be fairly influential. He likes to help alot of people learn about Islam. Masha Allah. Who wouldn't want to be married to someone like that? You never know.

UPDATE: He's married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha. The joke is on me. Hey... what a dreamer I am. But dreaming is fine. I just better stop drooling over Muslim guys I see out of my stupid desperation. *knocks self on head*. Okay, I've snapped out of it.


Most likely nothing will come of it... -but- if it does, that would be AWESOME! :D :D :D
I am kind of tired of the so-called Muslim men who just like to flirt, or see me as easy prey and have no intention of marrying me.
I just want one Muslim man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me (Insha'Allah), and have a few kids. That is it. A nice quiet family life, with going to the Masjid on Fridays, listening to the hubby read the Qu'ran during Ramadan... breaking the fast together, spending Eid with him and his family... having a nice little house and 2-3 healthy kids, putting the kids in Sunday school at the Masjid... that would be heaven to me. I want nothing more than that life.

I have no idea if I will ever get it. I am 27... and no one will want me anyhow. But hey,a girl can dream, right?

So on to my eating and excercise plan. Oh-I did go to the Gym yesterday and work out. I am glad. Everyday I have control of my eating and I workout, is a day I can be closer to being a normal size. I don't want to be fat forever.


Breakfast: 2 low cal yogurts, Kashi Go Lean Cereal, small banana 420



Lunch: English muffin, 1 slice low fat cheese, 3 slices turkey, ketchup, salad with low fat dressing, mushrooms, orange, fat free vanilla pudding 515 cals




Snack: Apple, 1 tablespoon natural peanut butter 190


Dinner: Noodles with 2 cups veggies, shrimp, 1 tablespoon oyster sauce, salad 485

Dessert: Orange, low cal yogurt 120

1,730 cals!

It seems like too much food. eek. Well, tomorrow is low cal day, so I will be okay. Wed and Thurs will be 600-1,000 cals (max).

Workout: Treadmill 10 min at 3.3 mph, then on to the other Treadmill that burns more cals for 30 min with varying intensity, and lifting weights.

Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks.

See ya later. Ciao.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Dream

One night, as I was sleeping, I had a dream.
In my dream, my body had died.
My soul was in Jannah.
I was a young girl-fresh, clean, new, and beautiful. I had not a trace of sin from my previous life.
An Angel was standing there with me.
I felt confusion and fear.
"Angel? Am I to be alone?"
"No. You have a family."
"Who is my family? Did my family enter Jannah?"
"The family you had when your body was alive is not the family you have in Jannah."
I saw a woman standing far from me. She was looking towards me, and calling my name. My name was not the name I had in the world. She called to me "Fatima! Come here. Your Ummi wants to hug her baby."
Fatima was the name I was given when I converted to Islam.

I looked at the Angel, and I asked "Who is that woman?"
"That is your mother."
"My mother came to Jannah? That does not look like my mother. That is not her voice. My real mother never even knew I existed. She never called to me and told me she wanted me like that. Tell me! WHO is that woman?"

"That is your mother" said the Angel.
"Surely that is NOT my mother! My mother never loved me like that! My mother did not like that woman. She is beautiful. My mother was not. She is a Muslim. I see her praying even now, asking Allah to bring her beloved daughter to her. That is NOT my mother! My mother was a disbeliever. She loved Alcohol, drugs, and men more than me. Who is that woman! Tell me Angel. Do not lie to me!"

"That is your mother, Fatima."

"My name is not Fatima! My name is Kristy. You have me mistaken for another person. I am not a young girl! I am a middle aged woman with a child. Why do you call me Fatima? You have me mistaken for a young girl. Bring the correct girl to her mother. Look. Her mother is praying to Allah, and crying tears of crystal. She needs her daughter. Take me back to where I belong to, and bring the real daughter here. I belong in Hell. Not this beautiful Paradise. Take me where I belong Angel, now! How can you allow such a mistake? Where did you take the girl Fatima? Is she in my place in Hell?"

"No." The Angel replied. "You are Fatima. This is your mother. This is your home. You belong in Paradise. Allah has forgiven your sins, and the woman that is your mother is not the woman that you called Mother while your body was alive. She is a pious and loving Muslim woman who never was able to have a child while her own body was alive. She prayed for you. You have been cleansed, washed away of your sins, and given a new Mother. Give thanks to Allah for your new chance. Be happy here in this beautiful Paradise."

"But Angel! I was a bad person! I never prayed, I commited Zina, I did many sins. Why am I here? I do not belong here. I belong in Hell. I am bad. Please send me where I belong!"

"Fatima.." The Angel replied.
"Allah has forgiven you. Your mother will teach you to read the Qu'ran properly. The woman who never had a child on Earth will have a child here in Paradise. She will teach you to pray, and teach you to love Allah. The few times you did fall on your face in humility while your body was alive, begging for forgiveness from Allah earned you this place. You have a second chance Fatima. You will also have a husband here. All of the children you lost while your body was alive will be born here to you. You will also have the son you were never given. This boy was an Orphan in his life, and turned to Allah for guidance. When you marry, the man that marries you will be the one that begged Allah for a wife, but did not live to marry. Everything here you see is in this beautiful Paradise. This is your reward for your small faith in Allah. Grow your faith here, and you will become the Muslima you never were while in the world. Teach others, and give thanks and praise to Allah for his Mercy, Kindness and Love to you. Now go to your mother"

Then I awoke.. and realized I was alone.

The dream was just a beautiful dream-
a wish perhaps.
But I am still here to change, so I will give thanks to Allah for another day.

I seek guidance and refuge in you, O Allah. Help me forgive those that have hurt me, and provide love to those that have not. Give the Orphan a mother, the Single man a wife, and the sinner a second chance.

Ameen.

Eating Plan for Monday, plus planned workout

Breakfast: 2 slices low cal bread, 2 serving egg sub, 1 tablespoon ketchup
TC: 170

Lunch: 1/2 Large Egg Drop Soup made with shrimp, salad 175

Snack: Orange, yogurt 160

Dinner: 1/2 Large Egg Drop Soup made with shrimp, salad 175

Snack: Protien Shake 135

Total Calories: 815

Workout: 40 minutes on treadmill-the gym has a new treadmill that you can set to vary the intensity, and I can burn 450 cals this way. I will then lift weights for 40-100 reps each, focusing on my legs, abs, chest, and arms.
Then I will cool off with a regular 10 minute walk on the treadmill at 3.4 mph.

I will write more later. Ciao.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sick for Two Days. Eating Plan for today.

Was Sick for two days.
Am better now.

Here is my eating plan


Breakfast: Turkey Sausage/Cheese/Egg white bagel with ketchup

280 cals



Lunch: Bowl of Noodles, with shrimp (220 cals for whole bowl of noodles), 320 cals



Snack: Carrots, miso soup 65



Dinner: 1/2 cup curried chick peas, salad with fat free italian dressing, 1/2 cup rice 370 cals



Snack: 60 cal yogurt, orange



Workout: Gym-Cardio 45 minutes on treadmill

Weights: Abs, legs, arms.



Total cals today: 1195


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How Not To Binge Today... Dealing with Life

Good morning.
I normally write the blog in the afternoon time.

Anyhow.. I am going to write my intake of the day, and what I will do at the gym tonight for my workout. I have only eaten breakfast so far. The rest is planned out, and will be followed. If any changes are made, I will update it, and still keep track of my caloric intake.


My intake:

Breakfast: 1 Western Alternative Bagel (110 cals for one small bagel), 1/2 tablespoon "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" margarine, made with olive oil. 1/2 cup large curd low fat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup sugar free peaches. Total Calories: 300 even


Lunch: Grilled Cheese: 2 slices low calorie "light" bread, 2 slices lowfat cheese grilled in cooking spray. 1 tablespoon ketchup for sandwich. 2 cups salad with 2 tablespoons fat free Italian dressing. Total Calories: 315


Update: I had lunch. I also started mindlessly munching on something I did not need. Dammit! I will assume my extra eating totaled 205 cals. *sigh*
Well, I will not have snack 1. I will have snack 2, but now have to add an extra 125 cals to my intake.


Snack : Before going to Gym: 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup juice packed pineapple 180 calories

Dinner: Chana Masala that I still have to make, 1/2 cup white rice, 2 cups salad with fat free italian dressing, 2 cups steamed veggies. 510 Calories



Well... since I almost binged, my calorie count is up. I could skip the cookie...

Okay. No cookie today.
I will only drink half the amount of tea also.

So I will hace 205 cals I will not take in. That will make my calorie count 1550..

Now we're talking.

Trust me- The 1700+ cals I almost ate before deciding to cut out a few snacks seems like way to much. I am not happy with that. Cutting out a little bit seems better. How can I lose control? What is wrong with me?!I will go to the gym and do 30 minutes on the treadmill, alternating levels. This will burn 400 cals. Then I will do weights, then another 15 minutes on the treadmill, then go home.


That is it for now. Will post more maybe later if I need to.

A video about why I should not binge eat. Aside from looking weird, and being slightly annoying, this lady makes a great point. I will watch it when I need to.

I wish I were there when she made this video. I would have given her a hug and helped her through it.. because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Weight Fluctuations... And learning to keep calm about it. Today is also a higher calorie day.

Yesterday at the gym I weighed myself.
Before I go on... let me explain something very quickly.
I was first 302 lbs in the beginning of August. I fasted throughout Ramadan, and went to the gym during the night time. From Ramadan til now I have lost 20 lbs. I weigh 282 lbs as of this morning.
Now, as I was saying... yesterday at the gym I weighed myself.
I was 282 the previous day, and yesterday I was 286 lbs. I went to a doctors appointment this morning to talk about bariatric surgery. I weigh 282 again.

I totally freaked out last night.
My mood turned intensly sour. I wanted to leave the gym and just go home.
I stayed. So many weird thoughts were swimming through my head. Extreme thoughts. I was thinking of just not eating for a month or two. I can do it... but I would possibly get sick and maybe pass out. I haven't gone long without any sort of food ever. Fasting during Ramadan is not total starvation. You still eat in the early morning, and the evening. I thought I should work out longer to burn whatever calories I am eating. It made sense last night. If I eat 1300 cals, I burn 1300 cals.. but that would be 4 hours of working out. I'm sorry, but an hour or two hours max is enough. I would risk injuring myself.

I want this weight to come off NOW. I feel so impatient. I have spent my whole life being a compulsive overeater... being the lonely fat girl that everyone made fun of, who hates her body.

My body and food are my worst enemies.

When I was 15, I lost alot of weight. I went from 240 lbs down to 145 lbs. However, I excercised 2-3 hours a day. I was also bulimic. I struggle with bulimia to this day at times... but nothing like how I struggled from the ages of 15-21. I puked everything I ate. I managed to maintain a normal weight-on the higher end of normal, but I was not obese.

Then I had my daughter. I was 210 lbs when my child was born.

Things between the father of my child (me ex boyfriend, not husband) got bad. He hit me. I ate. I felt depressed, intensly lonely, and sad. I also was driving, and was not excercising or walking everywhere like I had befor. My boyfriend constantly put me down calling me "Stupid", "worthless"... or telling me that my family "hated me" and did not "want me around".

My father treated me the same way. It brought back the old bad feelings.

I ate. I gained 100 lbs.

My ex boyfriend began hitting me. I ate more. I ate, I ate, I ate... I cried. I ate. I isolated myself. I shut myself up with my baby, and ate. I occasionally went to the gym, but then quit. And just ate. That is how I went from 210 lbs to 300+ lbs in a period of 4 years.


Now for the last month I have lost 20 lbs.
I have had 2-3 binge episodes. I almost wanted to binge today... but I am here typing instead as I wait for my late lunch to finish cooking.

I am going to go to the gym tonight, and try to push myself as much as I can. Once I get going, and the endorphins kick in, I feel alright, and can go for an hour or two just fine-with a few water breaks in between. It feels good to sweat. It feels like all of my impurties are leaving out, and my soul is being cleansed. I can feel better for a while and forget my misery when I sweat. That is why I go.


Now on to my food intake. I really pray to God that I follow it and do not binge. I do not want to. The longer I go without binging, the better I feel about myself, and the better chance I have to lose weight. I am close to cutting my own body open to lose weight-by bariatric surgery. I really wish deep down that I could do this all on my own, and maintain a better lifestyle. I hope.


Okay... on to my food intake.


Breakfast: 1 english muffin, fat free cream cheese (1 serving), fat free 50 cal yogurt, apple. 310 cals

Lunch: 2 servings fake crab, 1 serving shrimp, 2 cups veggies, 1 serving oyster sauce. 1 home made chocolate chip cookie. Goddamned cookie! lol 545 cals. THAT IS ALOT.

Snack: Fat free 50 cal yogurt, 1 serving sugar free peaches 85 cals



CORRECTION on dinner: I did not make the chana masala. I will make it tonight. Instead I had a Subway Sweet Chicken Teriyaki sandwich, 6 inch, on whole wheat bread with cucumbers, tomatoes, spinach, bell pepper, and onion. I also had the small side of apples to go with it. My total caloric intake for dinner was 455 calories.

Snack: Chocolate peanut butter granola bar. 150 cals

Total calories: 1545

I normally prefer to stick to 1300. But 1545 is lower than the 2300-2500 cals my body uses to stay at my high weight. So I guess it is alright still.

I want to in the long run maintain a lower calorie diet for my lifetime. I feel better when I know how many cals I am consuming. I assuming once I get to my goal weight I will need 1200-1950 max a day to maintain a healthy weight.

And you know the sad part? If I burn 2300-2500 cals at 282 lbs, but can maintain a healthy weight of 130-150 lbs by eating 1200-1950 cals a day... doesn't that tell you something? It is not much more cals! It blows my mind! It really does! Those few hundred extra cals make a HUGE difference in my weight and body size. Are those few hundred calories WORTH BEING SO FAT? NO! HELL NO!
That is why I have to keep myself in control. It is not worth over eating. It is better to eat the cals needed to maintain a NORMAL weight than the measly few hundred more to be a lard ass. Not worth it at all. Better to be in control and not binge.

That wraps it up for now. I feel happier and calmer.
I will go to the gym at least an hour tonight.

Ciao.

Music that I can relate to-the lyrics and feel of the song that is...




Something scary on Binge Eating Disorder



PS: Here is a video of a young girl with Bulimia. I have struggled with moderate Bulima for 12 years.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I have lost 20 lbs in 1 month

I have lost 20 lbs in 1 month.
I fit into my clothing somewhat better.. although I still have alot of weight to lose before I replace them.

Here is my eating and excercise plan for today...

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage, Cheese, and Egg white Bagel, 1 tablespoon ketchup, apple
365 cals
Lunch: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, sugar free peaches, salad, fat free italian dressing, 2 slices light bread toast with 1/2 tablespoon
butter 330

Snack: 2 bouillon cubes-cilantro and chicken. 15 cals (was hungry)


Snack: popcorn, yogurt (fiber one yogurt) 150
Dinner: Udon Soup bowl (200 cals), 1 serving shrimp, 1 cup veggies, 1 salad with dressing, 1 serving oyster sauce
365
Snack: chocolate peanut butter granola bar 150
Total cals: 1360
workout: Tae Bo, walk 45 minutes, rowing machine 3 minutes, weights

Some lame ass videos that make me think of working out at my size: